Maya Dust
Yeah, it's one of THOSE questions again. Sorry, guys.?
Okay. I'm really sorry. Tell me what you think of a very short exerp from my book, and what I can improve on.
He chuckled, a throaty sound. As if he had been inhaling dust. “You’ve got spunk, girl. It’s too bad I’m gonna have to kill you.” He bared his teeth in a smile, but it didn’t look right. Forced.
I clenched my fists, feeling Maya and Marc’s eyes burning a hole in the back of my head, my neck. They Must Have thought I was insane.
And then I jumped him.
He hollered in surprise, treating me as if I were an angry mother bird that had landed on his shoulder, pecking at his head. He bucked and swung, but I had a good grip around his neck. Though I wasn’t heavy or big boned by any means—I was no feather. My entire weight, each time he tried to buck me off, constricted his airways. Within seconds, his face had changed from smug and triumphant to a strangled purple hue.
Action scene! Whaddya think? Thanks in advance!
Here's how I'd revise it. I write a lot of film noir style stuff so it's right up my alley.
"He chuckled low in his throat, as if he had been inhaling dust. "You've got spunk, girl," he bared his teeth in a smile that was anything but sincere, "it's too bad I'm gonna have to kill you."
I clenched my fists, feeling Maya and Mark's eyes burning a hole in the back of my head and my neck. They must have thought I was insane.
And then I was on my feet. I put my left arm out like a hook and caught him around the neck when he tried to duck out of the way, and used my weight to swing around to his back.
He hollered in surprise, his hands clenching my forearm as he tried with increasing desperation to free himself from my grasp. Sure, I wasn't heavy or big-boned by any means, but I was no wilting flower either. Each time he tried to buck me off, I constricted my arm tighter, and within moments, his smug demeanor gave way with his knees and cosnsciousness."
